I made Spring Break plans, Ronnie is on his way to visit, Katie asked me to be a bridesmaid....I couldn't be happier!

The past few days have seemed incredibly busy at work with tons of showings and trying to catch up on the zillions of Craigslist ads I previously posted and change them to reflect the changes in our rent specials!

Yesterday marked the first time Liz, Cait, Katie, and I were all here! We went over to Steph's place and watched the Bachelor (big surprise, lol) with Ashley H, Amy, April, and Mitch. It was a lot of fun and we ordered pizza for cheap! For those who don't know, you can sign up to receive online coupons from Toppers and immediately you'll get a $5 coupon, applicable to other discounts. So Katie, Cait, and I ordered a large cheese pizza and triple order of Toppers' Sticks on sale for $15, and with the $5 coupon, we only paid $10! Love it!

Thursday is our Board Game Night at Mirabel...I think it will be a huge hit since we are also buying pizza and refreshments for everyone! Ronnie will be able to come, which will be fun since I now know that he loves playing games (even though I'm not sure he's a huge fan of Clue or Monopoly like I am).

On to the more exciting news...

I am officially going to San Francisco for Spring Break! Of course, Mark lives out there and Beth will be visiting him and then leaving only days before I arrive! So it goes. I will be visiting Lauren, who I met while in Pylos, Greece. Hopefully her, Kelli, Amira, and I will be able to get together - but at this point it's just me heading out. I already bought my plane ticket, and was shocked that it was almost $100 cheaper to fly out of Milwaukee than Chicago. It set me back only $219, but it would have been $368 out of O'Hare! No thank you. She promised that we could do all of the touristy things as well as go out and have fun. She already warned me that the beaches would be a little cold, but they really couldn't be any colder than the beaches here! I am SUPER excited to go - this is the first time I have ever made Spring Break plans...ever!

Ronnie is coming out sometime today! He will be spending a majority of his time studying for the CPA Exam during the day while I'm working, but gosh, it will be so nice to see him!! He is such a wonderful person and I miss his company. There may even be a possibility of a double- or triple-date with Cait and Alex or Liz and Josh. Fun! I am sooo very excited to see him!

Also, I am very honored to be a part of Katie K's wedding! Her and Chris will be married August 14th at the Botanical Gardens - it will be be beautiful, but also very hot! As far as I know, Heather, Erica, and Chris's cousin will also be bridesmaids. Not having been in a wedding before, I am grateful to have Emily Post's Etiquette which Ronnie bought me for my birthday! I will have to work the next morning because August 14th and 15th, as an Madison student will tell you, are extremely busy days due to turnover. On the 15th I will need to be checking-in new residents and handling situations that arise. It will be nice to see the whole JSM staff in one place, but again, it will be extremely busy and EARLY!

On Love

Whenever I watch a romantic movie, I can't help but reflect on how wonderfully lucky I am to have met Ronnie. In this case, I just finished watch The Curious Case of Benjamin Button (a Christmas gift from Mom and Dad!).

It is sometimes hard to take a step back and really appreciate everything that we have, especially when we are fortunate enough to see each other for several days at a time, such as it is now. He is an incredible man and even though we have been together for more than 6 1/2 years, there are always things he says and does that surprise me. I sincerely hope that in the near future we will see each other more often than once or twice a month, since Ronnie works only weekends and I work during the week. It is worth the wait to see him every time I come back home. I wouldn't trade what we have for anything, and I can only hope that we will be able to spend even more of our lives together. I think that few people are lucky enough to find themselves so much in love.

Finals Week: not as bad as I make it out to be

I only have two finals so I shouldn't complain about being stressed. But I am. Right now. I've had so much due this week that I am almost numb. I wrote two huge papers and gave a presentation on X-Ray Fluorescence and how I used it at the Chazen to analyze the composition of Roman coins. If I were a Roman history expert, this paper would have been a breeze. Alas, I am not, and I spent the last few days this week learning about Constantine I, Gratian, Constantius II, Arcadius, Honorius, Valentinian, etc. Also, because it seems to happen to me whenever I go to Memorial Library and visit the secret 4th floor study area that requires a key, it rained.

Ronnie made me feel really good today and yesterday. It was nice to have him offer to help me any way that he could with my huge paper on coins, and also have him appologize for not putting my checks in the bank and offer to do it tomorrow. Warmness and fuzziness burgeon within me when he is so sweet.

I am getting extremely excited to go to Greece. In about two weeks I'll be in Athens! Woot!!

We had our Classics Reception on Thursday where I was formally awarded my scholarship (the Gertrude E. Slaughter Fellowship for Study Abroad). There will be pictures to follow!

This is also breaking news: I got an iPod Touch! I've been saving up all of the Target gift cards I've gotten all year at work and used them to buy the 16g model. How much did it cost me out of pocket? $1.49. Amazing.

I cleaned my room, finished A Thousand Splendid Suns (which I found less interesting than the Kite Runner though I like the character development), and am planning to leave the living room in general disarray by means of library books everywhere. It's been a pretty good day. Cait's dad stopped by. It was nice seeing him again - he is hilarious and reminds me a lot of my own dad.

I did it

I talked to Ronnie about "us."

I voiced all of my concerns about being in a relationship that, if we stay together, might leave me feeling lonely. He stressed to me that he had known this was coming for a long time, and that he is okay with it, though surprised that it took me so long to figure out that things just weren't the way they used to be. My problem is that I am an eternal optimist and never thought realistically about the potentially married "us." I plan on traveling, going on family road trips, and going to new places. He seems to be more of a homebody and is perfectly content staying in, and would prefer it over "wasting" money on a trip. It seemed like even if our relationship reached fruition, we would still be different people wanting different things.

So here I am now, officially not in a relationship, not seeing anyone, and trying hard not to look back and regret telling him that I'm just not in it anymore. I know it is for the best, for both of us. I want to be in a whole relationship. Not somewhere between "it's complicated" and "we're kind of together, but not dating." I want the romance, the love, and the companionship. I want someone who will kiss me all the time and miss me when I'm gone. In no way do I mean any slight against Ronnie. I think that what we had was incredible, but it petered out, and we have been left trying to balance long-distance with all of the changes that come with growing older.

He asked if we should consider dating other people and I said yes. The prospect of dating other people is daunting, but I think that good will come of it.

Caitlyn and I are headed to a movie to help me get my mind off of it.

April seems to have flown by

What a crazy, busy month this has been! I have been working my normal schedule at JSM, plus I decided to play bass guitar again for Humorology. We began practicing a bit later than we did last year, which means that the barrage of lengthy Humo practices seemed to blindside me. For the past few days I have been trying my best to do my homework during practices, since I have been waking up for class, then going to work, coming home to change, and then going to Humo until 11 or midnight. I am definitely looking forward to just hanging out tomorrow and doing nothing. I plan to sit down by the lakeshore path and get a nice tan, watch the boats, and maybe even go on a little canoe trip. We'll see. It's nearly 4:30am and I have Humo in about 25 hours. It will be the final show, so I might even go buy a new shirt to wear. We'll see.

I also had Relay for Life tonight, which made the night seem extremely long. I stayed until about 3am or so, because by then everyone else from APO had been gone for almost forty-five minutes or more.

I've been really thinking about Ronnie and I lately and what we "are." Techincally we're not dating, but we're not-not dating, so I guess you could say we're on a break. But what's a break? I'm not sure that I could define a break, since neither Ronnie nor I seem to be able to define it well. I've been trying to picture myself doing the things I like to do and aspire to do, and lately I'm having a hard time picturing him even wanting to do any of those things. Like going to the beach, hanging out at a bookstore or library, dancing, going out on the town, going on vacation, taking a road trip, and going to concerts/movies/performaces. It's not to say that we haven't done some of these things before, but we don't do them together nearly as often as I'd like. I guess that I'm just trying to be realistic. It's just taking a lot of time to sort everything out for myself, and I don't want to do anything rash just because I'm feeling lonely. Gosh I wish he'd come up!

Unrealistic expectations

I'm beginning to wonder whether or not I have unrealistic expectations about what love is and how romance should be. The book I'm reading now has really changed how I perceive what is right and acceptable by the standards of a culture versus how one feels and behaves. Maybe I need to lighten up and be more casual when it comes to being with Ronnie. I've been so concerned that "other people" might look down on me, that I've completely overlooked the fact that no matter what happens outside our relationship, I really want to be with him right now. It's been difficult lately because I often become obsessed with titles and what our status on facebook appears to be, which I know is petty.

I look back and remember coming home for winter break and how wonderful it was. It was more carefree because neither of us had the time to invest and we both admitted it. I feel like we were constantly holding hands and sneaking kisses behind every corner. We felt much closer then and nothing has really changed since then, other than my worry over titles. It was a lot of fun and I was much happier then than I am now. I guess that I will try my best to stop worrying about how other people see us and concentrate more on us. I want to be with him. No one else.

What a week!

So I just spent about five minutes trying to name and then rename this post and it looks like it probably won't be titled. This post will be utterly random, and likely filled with tidbits of information from the past week. By the by, I am using a Mac, so I'd prefer to hurry and get this over with. ;)

I went and saw Slumdog Millionaire today. I was going to go by myself, but I was feeling lonely so I called a bunch of friends, and ultimately ended up going with Ashley M, one of my classics friends. It was probably one of the best movies I've ever seen. I'll leave the critique to the critics, but I know I'll be buying it on DVD (not blu-ray!).

After seeing the movie and eating delicious movie theater popcorn, I decided that I would continue copying files onto my external hard drive. I had to buy that last week because my computer has been lagging since November and I've tried everything I know to fix it. I still need to copy all of my game data and track down my Windows disc so that I don't lose all of the sweet terrains I made for AOE and AOM, or have to buy another copy of Windows. In no way should the poor performance of my computer reflect on PCs as a whole. I love my computer, and though (according to DoIT) the processor is running at half of it's normal speed, I am still more satisfied with it than I would be a Mac (sorry Ryan and Laura). Cait, who owns a PC, was reppin' Macs until she rented one from the library...lol I just truly prefer PCs and the ability to right-click normally.

On another note, I will be turning in an application on Monday to attend a field school in Pylos once the study abroad program in Athens (through the UW) has ended. I emailed the professor in charge, and once I turn in my application, I am good to go! I mean this literally, I am accepted once I turn in the paperwork. This means that I'll be in Greece from May 25th until about July 8th. I am extremely excited! Here's the link to the Pylos program: Iklaina Project

On Thursday night I went out for ice cream with the classics society and then we all went skating at the Shell. I forgot how awful I am when it comes to skating, and spent a majority of the time fixing my skates on the sidelines (which is better than on my butt on the ice!). I invited Antonia, who I met through Beth on Tuesday, and she really enjoyed getting ice cream with us. She is on exchange here from France, though she is orginally from Germany. She is extremely nice and easy to get along with, and reminds me a lot of my cousin, Liz. In fact, tonight Beth and I are meeting Antonia at the Saxony for a traditional German dinner. I'm not sure what I'll eat yet...but that's okay - I'm desperately in need of company :/

So on Tuesday (Mardi Gras) I decided that I wanted to go out, and convinced Beth to come out too. Blaise was supposed to come but was probably watching the X-Files, and didn't. Anyway, Beth invited Antonia, whom she has her Energy Economics class with, to come out too, and that is how we met. Dani came too which was wonderful since she is hilarious and I had not gotten to see her in a long time. I really enjoyed explaining American Mardi Gras to Antonia and seeing her face when I explained how beads were "earned."

Today has been kind of a weird day. I have been really bummed for a few days now. I feel like I've been mean to everyone, especially Cait. I'm not sure why, but I feel kind of lonely. I'm generally optimistic and happy, but I think that the situation with Ronnie is finally bearing down upon me. I realized today that he has not been treating me like the way I think he should be. This is not intended to be mean, so I appologize if it comes off that way. When he didn't get me anything for my birthday, I pretended not to care. When it came to Christmas and he again got me nothing, I acted like it was okay, and that I had expected nothing. I spent $40 making a sweet Valentine's Day gift that was orginal and heartfelt and walked away emptied-handed and broken-hearted once again. It's not material things that I care about, that's not the point. I guess that I wish to be appreciated and cared about and loved, and if I'm putting in but getting nothing out, then I'm done. I'm sick of hearing the excuse that he doesn't know what he wants in life, but still feels the need to string me along. I promised him several years ago that no matter what happened to us romantically, we would always remain friends. But even now, I call him looking for comfort and solace, and don't even get that. My friends here offer more support than he has lately. I am tired of being on the bottom of his priorities, and tired of him not wanting to come visit. I realize that the bus costs $44 round-trip, but when you truly want to see someone, you make the monetary sacrifice. It's clear to me that he has lost interest, and I think that I finally have too. He highly values material things as opposed to experiences, which has me confounded. I am completely the opposite and would much rather have a week long trip somewhere than a new gadget. I love doing things and going out, and he seems to be fine staying in more often than I like. I don't think he has put any effort into being together again, and I don't think he will.

I just want to be loved unconditionally, and I just don't think that's going to happen if we stay together. I have lost faith in love.